I mentioned a few days ago that I had been fasting, seeking God for His perfect will. What I didn't detail was the difficulty of the first couple of days of the fast. It has been so hard having to sort through my belongings (especially photos), most of which are connected to pre-divorce memories when I thought my life was reasonably normal – but was actually built on flawed realities. The emotions that have been stirred, coupled with the deprivation of the fast, made me want to simply take a knock-out pill and wake up when everything was over!
In the midst of all this, one of my friends called and invited me to a movie. I very seldom go to the theater, but the escape was welcome. I knew full well I shouldn't be going to a movie in a time of fasting, but I stuffed my awareness under my desire to escape and went anyway. It was a movie that mirrored the values of today's secular society and would be totally acceptable to most people today. The reality was that it was peppered with the f-bomb, played with illicit sexuality and portrayed immorality as comedic. And there I sat – denying myself popcorn because I was "seeking God for a miracle."A slightly different f-bomb could have described the scene – "farce!"
When I look back on the sloppiness of my relationship with God that night, I am so ashamed. How dare I spend a holy time doing something so adverse to His kingdom principles – and pay for the experience???? Did I really think that God would just 'take the night off' and approve the movie? Did I think He would just tag along and be happy with whatever I chose to do with my time? Did I really expect Him to supply a financial miracle when I spent what money I had on something so foolish?
I have to turn this around. So – I'm doing it again and this time, I will do it His way. :)
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