Have you ever felt all alone in a group?
That was me tonight.
Following another great Sunday morning at the Embassy, Lola (my cockapoo) and I spent the afternoon with wonderful friends close to Port Hope. It was a great time of discussion, prayer for each other, laughter and good food. There was a guitar there and a keyboard and everyone was happy singing favourites.
Normally, I would have been thoroughly enjoying it. It had all of the elements for my favorite way to spend time. Instead, I found myself fighting back tears all through the singing. Despite the fact that I was very much part of the group, I felt totally alone. No one else can walk this road with me. No one else can understand how desperately I need God to intervene. No one else can live this challenge. This test is mine alone. It's just God and me. I can't expect any fairy godmother to twitch her nose and make it all go away. I can't expect the phone to ring with news of an inheritance. I simply need a miracle. If God doesn't come through, I'm toast. I didn't want anyone to see the rogue tears spilling over my lashes and would have left, had my car not been blocked.
The problem was that I had started to think about my circumstances. If I don't have a humungus miracle by July 7th, what will I do? Where will I go? People who read this blog will be convinced that I was crazy to have expected to be able to raise a down payment on a house and all of the closing expenses - about $40,000. - within a couple of weeks. Instead of God being applauded and glorified, people will turn their backs even more rigidly against the possibilities of His intervention in our lives. They won't get to see an example of His greatness. What will I do with all my stuff when the movers arrive? Did I not hear from God about purchasing instead of renting? Have I been wandering down the road of my own unrealistic desires, calling it "faith" instead of taking control of my situation the way smarter people would do?
I was like Peter who stepped into the water but took his eyes off of Jesus, focused on his circumstances and began to sink
As the singing began to wind down, I went into the washroom and tried to compose myself. I was tired. This has been a long stretch of holding on to a hope I can't see or touch. I wanted to get home and crawl under the covers. Instead, I steeled myself and walked towards the dining room where everyone was gathering for dessert. I wondered why the lights were out.
With happy smiles, everyone turned towards me and started to sing..."Happy birthday to you, happy birthday..." and there was a beautiful cake – with my name written on it –"Happy Birthday Diane" it read.
Well, that did it - instead of responding in happy celebration, I retreated into a hug from one of the women and wept. Great response. That was terrible. I can only hope that they will understand and forgive me. They were all so kind.
Now I'm home, blogging about what a spiritual giant I am - hoping that your life will be enriched by my powerful example of the Christian life. :)
All I can say tonite is – I love you all for caring enough to read these words. My encouragement to you comes in the form of assuring you that the awesomeness of God cannot be measured by my human frailties.
Even if I'm just hanging on by a thin silver cord tonite, the silver cord connecting me to God is there. He has not left me. He will not fail me. Even if I don't see the miracle for which I hope, it will not diminish my love for Him one whit. He is the precious jewel of my life. He is my core. He is worthy of my praise - not for what He does, but for Who He is. Without Him, I would be nothing but emptiness. He is my life. Tomorrow I shall smile.
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